Emergency Housecleaning for the Modern Slob

I am a slob. It's in my DNA, and that's the story I'm sticking with. In the daily pursuit of coffee and keys and making a homemade pizza and babysitting my youngest siblings, I leave a trail of laundry and makeup and books and dishes and general chaos in my wake. I do go on cleaning sprees once or twice a month, generally after watching an episode of Hoarders and being awakened to a sudden urge to scrub my skin with bleach, but my friends are awesome and random and it has been quite often that I did not know they were coming over until it was far too late to properly prepare. Hence, I have evolved some new survival techniques. These are they:

(Oh, and if you have less than fifteen minutes, just skip to step seven. )

1. Declutter

This step is more important than cleaning. Forget the vacuum, just pick up all the loose pencils and put them back in the pencil jar, and put all your laundry back in the basket. Nobody's going to notice your carpet unless they trip over your clutter and fall face first on it. If you don't have time to put things where they belong, find an empty box or drawer or cabinet and just put everything inside. I've been known to sweep the clutter off my desk directly into the top drawer. It works. I even know of one person who puts her dirty dishes/laundry in the bathtub in emergency situations and closes the shower curtain. I've never done it, but amen, sister.

2. Accessorize

Yes, this is more important than cleaning. Even if things aren't dusted and vacuumed and even if the throw pillow had coffee spilled on it this morning, nobody's going to care because it will look like a veritable still life painting. Stack a pile of books on the end table and put the x-box remote on top, fold a blanket from the bed over the back of the sofa. Bring a bunch of apples from the kitchen and put them in a bowl on the coffee table; you get the general idea here.

3. Let There Be Light!

If you have the curtains/blinds closed, open them. It doesn't matter if the windows are dirty, the light makes all the difference. If you have lamps, turn them on, it's so much cozier than plain overhead lighting. Likewise, if you have candles, light them. I like to keep some string lights on hand to drape around the bookshelves in the event of a surprise dinner party. It just adds some zazziness. Also, I don't know why, but dust disappears when you have twinkle lights on. 

4. Trash

If you're like me, you probably have at least one empty box on your counter that once held snack packets of peanuts. Throw it away. Run through every room in the house and just throw away all the trash, and then empty the trash cans. Nothing says 'my house sucks' like overstuffed trashcans. 

5. Kitchen

The party always moves to the kitchen. It's the way it is, I don't make the rules. Declutter here, if you haven't already. Stuff things into cabinets and wipe down all the counter tops. Squirt a bunch of cleaner on all the gunk stuck on your stove while you wash/hide the dirty dishes. If you have a dishwashing machine, you can count yourself blessed of the powers that be. 

6. Smells

Your nose might not recognize it but your house probably smells like you've been living in it. If it's warm enough outside, open the windows and get a breeze moving. It will take everything from stale to fresh in 2.0 minutes. Other things you can do: Start a pot of coffee, light some yummy smelling candles, stick something super quick in the oven to bake, or (this one is my most top secret awesome one) you can put about a teaspoon of plain vanilla flavoring in a ramekin in the oven and turn it on 350 F and when your guests walk in they will think they have been beamed up into Martha Stewart's personal spaceship. 

7. You!

If you have time, yeah, vacuum. Or mop. Or turn on some music. From here on it's all extras, but take a few minutes to make sure you are feeling good. It could be as simple as grabbing some mascara or putting on an Elvis t-shirt, but be sure to take a moment to look in the mirror and see how awesome you are because a confident host will make the guests feel at home regardless of the environment.

Aaand, the doorbell's ringing, so time's up! May the luck of the Irish be with you. :)