Guest Post By My Houseplant : 4 Ways My Owner Sucks

1. She often forgets to water me in the morning and then dumps ice water on me after midnight.

How would you like to be awakened from your slumber with a splash of ice cold water down your spine? Don't like it? Maybe you should think about that next time you decide to sit up all night working on some dumb craft with a dim lamp on and then decide to dump the remainder of your water bottle on your poor, defenseless, sleeping houseplant.

I mean, I'm a plant. What am I supposed to do? Scream?

2. She gives me firm pats on my head as she walks past.

Again, I'm a plant. What the heck does she want me to do? Give her a high five?

3. She moves me around to places that don't have the proper amount of light.

Now, I've honestly tried to tell her where I want to sit. When I get enough light, I perk up. But only after she has decided that it's the wrong spot and has just moved me. Then, of course, I start to wilt. What else does she expect? I don't know. There's only so much a plant can do.

4. She talks to me and asks questions, does she expect me to talk like some kind of cyborg plant?

Honestly, this one is ridiculous. I'm a plant. I have leaves. I sit. It's what I do. I don't talk. And, just for the record-No, I don't think it's going to be a wonderful morning and if you ask me one more question I will wilt while sitting directly in the sunshine out of pure, deep-rooted revenge. I DON'T TALK.

Although, on occasion, I do blog.